Burnout

I've been asked how I find the motivation to do everything I want to. At least for myself, I think I've figured it out. Just have someone come up to me and tell me that whatever I’m planning is impossible, and you can be sure that I will put in 110% effort into proving that person wrong.

I guess this approach to finding motivation led me to always take more and more on. Over time, I redefined others' expectations of me – as my successes mounted, people doubted my abilities on fewer and fewer occasions. I began to expect more of myself as well, having faith that I would always be able to "figure it out".

Admitting that I couldn't do something seemed antithetical to my own beliefs – I imprinted the notion that I could always sleep less, focus more, and be more efficient with my time. I refused to deviate from these ideas, even when I thought that I couldn't take it any more. Ironically, surviving these situations only increased my faith in myself.

So naturally, coming into this semester, I had higher expectations for myself than ever before. I was enrolled in 21 credits, started the first semester of a Masters program, served as the Team Lead of Cornell AppDev and the Music Director of Absolute A Cappella, recruited for full-time opportunities after securing a return offer from Facebook, worked on shipping a social polling app, and consulted for a friend's startup. Ironically, I'm writing this at 3:00AM on the plane ride back from the Y-Combinator Hackathon.

Turns out, this approach only worked to a certain extent. Although my success didn’t lead directly to more stress per se, it instead culminated in increasing levels of pressure. For me, it seemed that to everyone else my successes were preordained, which only furthered the fear of letting everyone down.

Throughout the semester, I would wake up after a full night of sleep feeling drained, something that I dismissed as a mental roadblock and not a symptom of something more serious. I only realized that something was seriously wrong when I couldn’t remember the last time I woke up not feeling completely exhausted.

I know what you're thinking – good job, you realized burnout exists 21 years after everyone else has. Why even share this?

Throughout my time in college, I never knew that other people felt this way. I assumed that my peers and the people that I looked up to simply persevered through their struggles – I thought that what I was dealing in the moment wasn't even that bad, that I lacked the willpower necessary to succeed, and that ultimately I was making a big deal out of nothing.

I guess I hope that sharing this helps someone somewhere feel less alone with what they might be going through. Feeling stressed and lonely is honestly the worst feeling in the world, and it's oppressing to believe that there isn't anyone who can relate.

For me, I've learned that it's harder to admit that I can't do something, rather than taking on more and trying to be the hero. People who care about you will ultimately understand, and being honest and opening up helps so much more than you might think.